Over the past decade, the popularity of adult toys has increased. Studies show that taboos surrounding vibrators and other devices designed to increase individual or shared pleasure are dissolving as more people (and couples) are exposed to a more intimate technology.
Enhanced physical pleasure will undoubtedly enhance sexual enjoyment. But how does the use of sex toys affect the satisfaction that both partners derive from their overall relationship? Some new research on the prevalence and demographics of sex toy use sheds light on this question – and the results suggest that pleasure in bed and pleasure in a relationship may vary slightly depending on the gender of the partner.
A large, nationally representative study led by researcher Michael Reece, Ph.D., examined the prevalence of vibrator use among heterosexual men in the United States. Interestingly, heterosexual men who had used sex toys with their partners reported lower sexual satisfaction than men who had never used sex toys with their partners. The researchers were not certain why satisfaction was lower for this group. But given that most heterosexual men who had used a vibrator with a partner reported that they did so to increase their partner’s pleasure (rather than their own), it is possible that the sexual satisfaction of these men did not change with the introduction of the vibrator and may have been low, to begin with.
That said, it is also possible that some heterosexual men who use a vibrator with their partner (either because their partner suggested it or because they organically thought it would enhance their partner’s sexual enjoyment) feel that having to use a vibrator reflects poorly on their own sexual performance. If that’s the case, then it makes sense that their sexual satisfaction would remain low. (No one likes to feel bad about themselves in bed).
That “using sex toys means your partner is not a good enough lover, which is one of the most common misconceptions about sex toys,” says Dr. Kat Van Kirk, a licensed marriage and family therapist and AdamandEve.com’s resident relationship and sexuality expert, “One partner may also fear that another partner’s use of sex toys will replace them, or that they will become overly rely on sex dolls for arousal and/or orgasm.”
All of this is not to say that every man who uses a vibrator with his partner is at risk of feeling inferior or unsatisfied. Other studies (also conducted by Reece) have found that men who regularly used a vibrator (for themselves, for their partner, or both) scored higher on erectile function, orgasmic function, sexual desire, and sexual satisfaction than men who rarely or never used a vibrator.
The same study also found that men who identified as homosexual or bisexual vibrators and other sex toys more frequently than men who identified as heterosexual – an observation confirmed by a 2012 study led by Dr. Joshua G. Rosenberger— than men who identify as straight.
According to a 2011 study led by researcher Dr. Vanessa Shick, more frequent use of sex toys was also found among those who did not identify as strictly heterosexual. (It should also be noted that, as Shick et al. wrote in their study, “lesbian and gay-identified women who used vibrators reported significantly less difficulty with pain than lesbian and gay-identified women who had no history of using vibrators.”) 
In general, couples who are able to explore new ways of being intimate – including experimenting with one or more sex toys – tend to do better at maintaining passion and desire (in addition to relationship satisfaction) over time. A 2016 study conducted by Dr. David Frederick of Chapman University found that women and men who reported being satisfied with their relationship and sex life with their partner were more likely to report having used sex toys together – in addition to other activities such as showering together, trying new positions in bed, and scheduling a date night to have sex.
Whether sex dolls ultimately enhance relationships or lead to a conflict may depend on the nature of openness and communication between partners. As a 2013 report from the Guttmacher Institute suggests, the more positive individuals in a relationship rate their interactions with their partner, the higher they rate their desire for each other and the satisfaction they derive from their relationship – in and out of the bedroom.
In the case of sex toys, positive communication means that (ideally) partners who feel threatened can open up about their concerns, feel heard and validated, and receive reassurance from their partner that the desire to use sex toys is in no way a commentary on their virility, desirability, or sexual prowess. (Likewise, partners who desire to use sex toys should-again, ideally-be able to communicate that desire without being judged, shamed, or otherwise pulled away. Not surprisingly, Reese and his colleague Dr. Debra Herbenick speculated in a 2010 paper on the use of vibrators in relationships that “it may be that being able to communicate openly and feeling that one’s sexual interests and pleasures are accepted by one’s partner increases satisfaction.”)
Van Kirk believes that the inclusion of toys can facilitate relationships and increase sexual satisfaction for anyone who is open and respectful of their own and their partner’s tendencies and boundaries.” With a sense of openness and non-judgment that can be cultivated, most people can learn to incorporate new aspects into their repertoire rather than resist. Talking about resistance can help dispel myths about your partner’s use of sex dolls. And some education is always helpful. For example, the fact that most women can’t orgasm through the penis/vagina alone should be enough to invest in sex toys.
